Championed

SaltAir

I just want to be more and more myself. The grace of age is the natural gravity of it. Recently the word whimsy gained popularity all over Instagram, it showed its face. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize I thrive in that state, in the nuance of it. The practice of looking for whimsy in the basic everyday moments is what keeps me going chasing the flow. I search for flow state and whimsy in my work and art as a cook, as a surfer, and most recently in my knitting.

Last winter I abruptly deleted my dating apps and decided I needed to get off my phone and busy my hands. I contemplated getting back into clay, but after a couple glasses of wine at the casa, I found myself tinkering with old knitting needles and yarn. I learned to knit many years ago and retired the craft when I became a busy mom to littles. A nice buzz and a quick swatch later, I was hooked and googled my nearest knit shop. The next day I walked in and discovered a room of women and my first cashmere sweater project.

“No doubt you can do it,” they said. “We’re here for you when you get stuck.” And that was that.

I made a whole crew of older women friends who champion each other. Women who have lived longer fuller lives than I have. There is nothing I can say about my experience that will shock them. There is not one emotion that feels too much. For the most part they are 20 years my elder and then some. Feeling motherless and alone and craving a love like that, grandma energy is gold. It’s warm balm. We drink coffee and dip our Biscoff cookies for the perfect bite. This nostalgia reminds me of my own grandma. Gawd, I miss her.

I love this part of my life so much. This relationship with women and playing with fiber in my hands. It’s full of whimsy. We drop F-bombs and rip out our work when we make mistakes starting over without too much complaint because we’ve all been there. It’s less about the mistake and more about the process. This is how it goes. The beauty of sport is that you can erase your failures with unbelievable success. I surround myself with grandma energy because that’s where I feel safest. It’s solid resilience. It’s depth. They aren’t scared of my mistakes and they have so much confidence in me. And on the days I don’t feel skilled or confident, they carry it for me. They show me. They fix it. They inspire the fuck out of me. They are so talented and embodied, I can’t even explain it. I don’t understand how older people become invisible to others.

I burst with pride when they invite me to gather at their homes and share their sweet treats with me. It’s a very special way to spend my time and I know their time is so precious.

Someone asked me recently if I would ever get married again. I said maybe. They replied, “I’m not sure what the point of marriage is if you aren’t willing to give someone children.” Is that really the point? For me, marriage is about partnership about championing each other and building something together. I want to birth a love like that. Have you ever thought about how miraculous it is that our bodies regenerate over and over? Nails grow back. Hair keeps growing. Skin heals. Cells rebuild quietly and persistently. Yes, we can grow babies in our bodies but that capacity is not the full measure of who we are. Creation is bigger than reproduction. Love is bigger than ownership. Being a woman in-love is about communion, learning, choosing, and building not being reduced to one role.

You don’t get avocados year one after planting the tree. It needs care and genius. It needs a bee or a graft. It needs weather. It needs time. It needs to be championed period.

I just want to be in love with my life, one stitch at a time.

A woman is like a tea bag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. — Eleanor Roosevelt